When You Have a Heart for Justice, But Fear it Won't Happen
What happens when the Holy Spirit reveals to you that you have a heart for justice but also a fear that justice will not be done? That is a very conflicting thing to hear and acknowledge. I have recently experienced this and when you add in being lovingly told that you have a tendency to be stubborn, I did what I usually do which is overthink and verbally process every emotion and thought running through my head. As I took inventory of where I was at mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I realized a few things:
1. I'm not ok
2. I'll be ok eventually
3. I have so much to work through with the Lord
4. I need to be more consistent in journaling and Bible reading
5. This continues to confirm the fact that I have no clue what I am doing but that's ok
So now what? What do I do now that I know that I'm a. stubborn, b. afraid of justice not being carried out, and c. still working on moving forward and not staying stagnant? (I am not a believer in astrology and signs to be honest but for those of you who know about/believe in it, my sign is Taurus: wise in many ways but stubborn, strong-willed, & grounded in my beliefs and I have been told it is very accurate haha) Well of course the answer is simple, in theory: give it all to God, pray and seek, ask and discern. Yea? Yea! But how do you deal with the overwhelming desire for people to see the Truth while simultaneously harboring the fear that nothing you do or say will ever be heard, accepted, or absorbed? And on top of that, when nothing happens the way you thought, you also have to work through the disappointment and anger you feel. Super real y'all. Now, since I am currently working through this, I honestly don't know what the process will look like in terms of learning this lesson, but what I do know is that I am learning more about His character and how I understand it in relation to how I experience what the world has to say.
To get even more real, as a woman of color there is a bit stacked against me in terms of privilege in America, however that has never stopped me from doing what I love and becoming the person He has created me to be. Because, if you haven't guessed by now, I am not easily intimidated. That being said, ever since college, I have been incredibly passionate about justice and bringing light to the darkness of the world as I have been created to do. But what I don't think I ever truly prepared for was that when I try to bring light, not everyone wants to hear it or receives what I have to say and my tendency as a result of this is to get upset and become very stubborn with making sure people hear what I am trying to say. I believe myself to be great communicator (it's my degree after all) but I am realizing I am not very good at handling rejection. If you know literally anything about pursuing a life of justice advocacy and the ministry of furthering God's kingdom, you know that rejection of your message is bound to happen. While I knew this, I don't think I KNEW this, you know what I mean? Le sigh. I can honestly say that I do not regret a single decision I have ever made in my past experiences in this area because I believe I stuck with my convictions. However I will say that I wish I were better at the process of dealing with rejection; I don't often have grace or understanding when push back occurs, I typically get annoyed and frustrated. The good news though? Now that I know my weakness, I can get better at building strength in this area of my life through Christ. While this may mean that I walk into some situations where I will get practice choosing grace over frustration, I have to cling to God's promise that He can and will do justice better than I ever will and I pray that my heart knows that is more than enough and I can rest in that.
Psalm 37: 8-10 says "Be silent before the Lord and wait expectantly for Him; do not be agitated by one who prospers in his way, by the person who carries out evil plans. Refrain from anger and give up your rage; do not be agitated - it can only bring harm. For evildoers will be destroyed, but those who put their hope in the Lord will inherit the land." (CSB)
Yea....I'm not good at that. But now that I know that, I can trust that God will have grace in dealing with me and my heart while asking for Him to help me have the same grace He continuously offers me for those who wrong me and/or others. Does this mean that I won't ever feel disappointed or angry when someone rejects my message of racial reconciliation, equality, etc? No, I'm human, of course I'm going to go through those emotions. This does not, however, mean that I need to stay in those emotions and act from that place. I will grow and get there, I know it. It's just going to be a bit of a process and that's ok. This post doesn't have a conclusion so much as it has a challenge: ask for your heart to be examined and ask to be shown where you are lacking & where His grace can bridge the gap in your life. I promise it will be worth it for you to humble yourself and get to know His heart so yours can reflect His.